"Jika Tuhan memberimu satu kesempatan untuk mengabulkan apapun yang kau minta, kau mau apa?"
Jawabku: Sejak dulu aku hanya ingin tidak pernah dilahirkan dan tidak pernah ada.
27.2.18
27.2.18
27.2.18
Kenapa harus menikmati hidup sedang hidup sendiri tidak nikmat?
Kenapa harus melanjutkan hidup sedang hidup sendiri tak ingin dilanjut?
Kenapa harus bahagia sedang definisinya saja fana?
Kenapa harus ada, ketika tidak pernah mau untuk ada?
Dan... kenapa harus dijawab dengan karena yang kadang terlalu mengada-ada
26.2.18
Day by day, I think that my level of anxiety jumps to very high level. I feel anxious every time, counting times and feel depressed. I know that my mental not really health now. If I saw me a couple years ago, I'm the kind of person who always positive thinking and have a lot of motivation. Yesterday, I'm a girl who never cries. Now, I'll cry when I'm waking up every morning. Feels empty, lost, afraid, anxious, angry, at the same time. I feel it since November. So, it has been four months. I know that sometimes I feel depressed and anxious since 2013, but this year its the weakest. I lost, feel rejected, tired waiting something, I always think that I cant reach thing that I want, I feel I'm the foolish if I cant finish my study asap.
I'm not the ambitious girl who want finish my school asap to get some praises. I hate praise sometimes. I'm just wanna go for forever from this place. And why is it so hard to do?
But, I don't feel comfortable in this city since last August or September. And also, I don't wanna make my parents pay more again if I cant finish it now. I don't wanna pay for my room in here if I cant graduate immediately. I don't care what people say, I care about the economic issues. Sometimes I wanna regret all of this situation. If I didn't continue my school in here, maybe I can say goodbye to this town and had a nice memory. I realized, I had the boredom cycle every 5-6 years. I remember I was very tired and wanted to go on my second and third year of high school (which is my middle and high school side by side, and my friends more or less the same). Now, I'm very uncomfortable here. Really-really wanna go, run from everything, and sometimes I think about death.
When I see and try to answer 'what can I do after graduation?' I don't have a specific answer. And now, I lost all of my motivation to continue my life. In 2013-2015, I'm seeking the purpose of life, and I don't find why I must alive. But. I think that I must continue my life because of my family. Now, I think I 'm just being problems for my family. Its gonna be fine if I'm dead, maybe.
Yesterday, maybe I would say that I'm not gonna die now because I wanna write a lot. Now, I don't have a happy feeling and passion again with everything. I feel its okay if I stop writing, photography, and so on, it can be better than life with depression or feeling grey and blue every day. Cry in the midnight or in the morning without any reason is so sick.
Sometimes I think it is better for me to die before 27 or 25. I don't know. But, I'm really afraid if I die because of an accident or something like this.
I don't know what happens now.
As a child, I wondered why someone would not marry, now I know why
As a child I wondered why someone wanted to die young, now I know why
As a child I also ask why people can be depressed, now I know why
As a child I wondered why some women would not have a baby, now I know why,
I know, because I feel and be a part of them, either since when and why
9.2.18
