2018 look liked a difficult year. So many things that I must be struggling with. And after all the things that made me down, i feel lost and empty. I didn't happy when i graduated, feel numb when my first book published, broken heart when failed to be a librarian, and since October, i became a hikikomori. I never go outside, just in my home. Now, in 2019, i live without any expectation. I life live because God still give me time, because I'm still breathing, but i feel empty and life is no meaning now. But i think that i haven't meaningful life since i was born. I didn't want to life, never ask to got it, so why? Why i must try hard to something that i never want Why i must struggle to something that i hated?

I never feel happiness or fullfiness. Everything is numb. Sometimes i cry, but another times, i never laugh or feel happy. And idk, what happen to me next. Am I gonna be happier?